for as long as i can remember i have dreamed of africa. specifically, i grew up desiring to live amongst a tribal community which just so happened to be located smack in the middle of a game reserve. ha. yes, i was, and remain, a big dreamer. God gifted me with my first taste of africa and its extraordinary nature and people in 2003 when i went to kenya. learning that i would spend three months in africa on the world race seemed like icing on the cake. and it was. imagine my deep delight when my team found ourselves living in a south african township right on the border of krueger national park. and not only that, one of our ministry contacts was a krueger guide. looking out over the mountains from our home was intoxicating, knowing that just a few kilometers beyond the hills lay the animals i had so longed to see in the wild. often during a day i would will myself to swallow the hope of being able to experience this majesty with my team. the first few days in backdoor we talked about it, often. at one point, our discussion became intense and i knew then that i must lay it down immediately. if God would allow us to go, then it would happen in His timing. so, we let go of trying to make it work out, holding on to the hope that it would come back around. i admit that it was difficult to think that i had gotten this close to krueger and might walk away without it becoming a reality. God often places our dreams into our hearts and He did not disappoint – upon returning to backdoor after our crazy time in mozambique, we picked up treday, jeanette and megan from team ignite and along with lynn, our magnificent guide, off we went for two days in the park. our first day was unfortunately without our christie, as she lay in the hospital battling malaria. yet God healed her, and she was able to meet us along with one of our hosts, linda, for the second day. we camped amid mischievous monkeys and spent our time in wonderful communion with god, his gorgeous creations, and each other. we saw a vast array of beautiful animals and plants thanks to the keen eyes of lynn. here are some of the highlights:
we saw four of the 'big five', only the leopard alluded us
God's beautiful creation
lunch break fun
campsite fun
new morning
a very rare sighting of wild dogs, at a kill
and much to my surprise, my favorite creature of the two days, the humble dung beetle
the eminent end of this race looms largely in my thoughts these days. what dwells the most i am unhappy to say are thoughts of regret and sadness of what could have been. lately i have been attacked by teammates as well as friends from home, in both simple and profound ways, but mostly by satan; this is certainly not a new phenomenon out here, it is just the intensity that seems different. so many things i thought about myself, particularly in relation to my character, have been shattered, sometimes by merely a simple word or look, whether real or imagined. being the contemplative person i am, this has fueled my thoughts into questions of who i really am at the core of my being. i cherish resolution, no matter what is called for to reach it. yet i feel fairly certain that i will walk away from this year misunderstood. i sense on a certain level that this was how it was designed to be, that yet again God has placed me in circumstances where i must choose and depend on Him only, and that i must come to a place of true peace and contentment in this. over and over again this year i have found myself led to read in psalms verses that challenge me to seek God as my only refuge, my strength, my rock. through all the chaotic dialogues in my head, there are moments when i am at rest long enough to hear this small voice, gently prodding me on:
‘let go’
‘keep trusting and follow Me’
‘you are fearfully and wonderfully made’
‘you are created in My image’
the sadder thing, i think, is that i believe this beautiful, loving voice of the Spirit, wholeheartedly. it aggravates me that i can so easily slip into confusion, and become entangled in the lies that satan flings at me. why my reactions are not firmly rooted in the truth and promises of Christ remains a great mystery to me. how can i have traveled the world these past ten months in ‘community’, experiencing unimaginable and often unspeakable situations, as the hands and feet of Jesus only to feel that it has all collapsed in pieces around me? in reality, i should not be surprised that this is where i find myself at this point – i am on that precipitous edge of returning to ‘normalcy’ as i once knew it. it is a daunting and frightening prospect, actually. i never want to be ‘normal’ again. i do not want to leave the simplicity of life i have found. i do not want to leave this achingly beautiful world filled with astonishing cultures of God’s children. so here i am, having come full circle it seems - i have nothing left but to cling to the hope of Jesus, to trust His words that tell me He is always enough, to the hope of one day hearing ‘well done my good and faithful servant’, but most of all, to the hope of one day gazing upon Christ and desiring nothing more. ever.
‘now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern’
frank o’hara
last night after writing this blog, i picked up my nightly devotion, ‘my utmost for his highest’ by oswald chambers. this is part of what i read –
‘the sermon on the mount indicates that when we are on Jesus Christ’s errands, there is no time to stand up for ourselves. Jesus says, in effect, do not be bothered with whether you are being justly dealt with or not. to look for justice is a sign of deflection from devotion to Him. never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it. if we look for justice, we will begin to grouse and to indulge in the discontent of self-pity ---why should i be treated like this? if we are devoted to Jesus Christ we have nothing to do with what we meet, whether it is just or unjust. Jesus says, go steadily on with what I have told you to do and I will guard your life. if you try to guard it yourself, you remove yourself from My deliverance. the most devout among us become atheistic in this connection; we do not believe God, we enthrone common sense and tack the name of God on to it. we do lean to our own understanding, instead of trusting God with all our hearts.’
i spent a long time rereading and thinking about these powerful words of wisdom. i find it quite painful to be humbled. and yet, there remained a strand of hope and peace within me. God is good.
welcome to my world of procrastination - some of my african thoughts weeks, yes, weeks later; this disclaimer is valid for all future africa blogs!!!!
after five long, often grueling, travel days through the wilds of mozambique, we arrived in sena at dusk, the small town directly across the zambezi river from mutarara, our final destination. we had expected to take an auto ferry across but alas, this was not to be; there was no ferry. ‘we will leave the truck here and cross over on foot, it is only a short walk', peter, our blind translator told us. after many moments of confusion, we prayed and received a little peace. so, we hired bicycle transporters and leaving most of our belongings and supplies behind, off we went into the unknown of the black night. the narrow pedestrian bridge we traversed was wrought with other travelers and cyclists, as well as broken slats of wood and concrete, making the journey quite precarious. after about 20 minutes of walking, we were greeted by millions of lightening bugs offering to us their magnificent light show of mating; simply incredible. our walk continued and as we finally crossed over the infamous, mighty zambezi (known for its devastaing floods), the nearly full moon rose over the distant mountains and mutarara, spectacularly welcoming us. our ‘short' walk turned out to be a 7 km trek that ended after one hour and fifteen minutes at the village where we were to live for the next three weeks. after brief introductions and prayers, we assembled our tents, and fell fast asleep.
the next morning i awoke very early to the morning sun baking me in my tent. as i poked my head out to take in my new surroundings, i noticed that i was practically surrounded by children. my attempts to speak to them only drew blank stares and giggles with the exception of one - beah. she immediately walked toward me with this mischievous look, took my outstretched hand, and landed in my lap. thus began our love affair; this impish girl stole my heart.
because beah was always around, it wasn't until much later that i learned she was not one of the orphans we had come to serve. one afternoon she showed up at my tent and coaxed me over to her home where i met her parents, grandmother, and some of her nine siblings. her father greeted me as if i were a long-lost friend and we enjoyed a time of communicating in his broken english and my broken portugese, while beah buzzed around us. i learned that her father had been a diplomat guard in addition to a soldier in both the mozambiqan independence and civil wars, and was now working with the mutarara police department. i left feeling as if i had gained a new family.
one of my favorite moments happened one night about a week later. beah had fallen asleep in my lap and mark accompanied me as i walked her home to her family. a little while later i was in my tent about to go to sleep, when i heard children yelling ‘beah beah', the nickname i called her; often the other children would mock me with this to get my attention. i didn't respond and continued to prepare for bed. the next thing i knew, a crowd of excited children were at my tent door, with beah (wasn't she asleep earlier?), and her older sister at the forefront, holding a guinea fowl in their hands and attempting to put it in my tent. all my endeavors to communicate that i did not want this bird in my tent failed, so i called out to mark and our translator, sanje, to come help me. sanje informed me that indeed, i was being gifted with this guinea fowl and tradition dictated that i take the bird directly from them into my own hands as a gesture of acceptance. not only was i to accept this bird, it was expected that it remain in my tent. after much laughter and more probing for understanding, it was determined that the pastor, who looked after the orphans, and his family would take in the guinea fowl and prepare it for our dinner meal the next day. so into my hands came the bird. its feet were tied up so it hardly moved until i handed it over to mark, then it went berserk, and i shrieked. the outburst of laughter was immense, so amusing were we to the children. mark graciously took the bird away and after giving my thanks to beah and her sister, goodnight wishes went all around. off to sleep i went, with a huge smile on my face and joy in my heart.
the next afternoon mark eagerly sacrificed the guinea for us, with the assistance of the pastor's wife, enaishe, as we hesitantly looked on and supported him.it was gruesome to say the least (see haley's video below if you dare), but great fun too as the women and children gleefully poked fun at our distress. after several hours of preparation and cooking, the guinea fowl was presented to us for our eating pleasure. and pleasure it was - that poor bird was surprisingly delicious. we ate every morsel while reliving with amusement the chaos of receiving this funny gift.
there were many special moments with beah and i continue to ache for her all these weeks later. it was still dark the morning we left mutarara to begin our journey back to swaziland. i was the last to leave our campsite and as i was walking away, i called out to sanje over my shoulder to please tell beah goodbye for me once more. as i approached the main road i noticed my teammates gathered in front of beah's home, and to my complete amazement, there she was. dressed only in a small parea wrapped around her waist, and with eyes filled with sleep, she was standing by her front gate to bid us farewell; this was a gift of love straight from my Father God. yet i still wonder how she knew we would be there at exactly that time. with one last heart-breaking hug and a lump in my throat, off i walked into the breaking of dawn along with my team to take one final excursion over that maddening bridge, with mutarara and its wondrous people burned forever into our hearts.
today i learned that someone i consider a very good friend has recently made some ‘outrageous comments' about my ‘faith' to another friend. this cuts me deeply, and i am not certain why. it is not as if my faith is something i keep hidden away. anyone who knows me even marginally is aware that my faith guides the entirety of my life. when i step back and think about it though, i wonder how i could possibly have thought that i would be immune to the verbal lacerations that would so frequently be emitted from this individual concerning most everyone. yet i think on some level, i felt i might be a little different than the rest. arrogant? hopeful? naïve?- probably a little of each. i am far, very far from perfect. the truth is i struggle with sin often, and sometimes it even feels such a constant in my life i fear i will be completely consumed at times. yet my heart yearns most for Jesus, and at the end of the day, i believe that the living of my life reflects Christ. perhaps it is this living out of my faith that so offends my friend. ok, so i am a Jesus freak. even so, it simply puzzles me why one would lash out in such a way; it just feels mean. as i have mentioned before in my writings, i left everything, and everyone i love, including this friend who means so much to me, to simply follow the Lord and serve His people in the world. i said ‘yes', send me. has it been worth it? yes, a thousand times yes. so i will lay my wounded heart at the feet of the cross, and i will cling to the most amazing friend i will ever have, Jesus Christ - to His promises, to His unfailing love, to His mercy. He, after all, knows quite well the sting of persecution. He even warns me that i will face this as His child since i live in a world that simply chooses not to believe as i do. in this, i choose grace.
‘remember the words i have spoken to you: ‘no servant is greater than his master.' if they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. if they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. they will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me.'john 15:20-21
‘consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.'james 1:2-3
‘in fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted'2 timothy 3:12
i am not a piece of flesh, or a melee of body parts. i have a heart, and a brain, and a soul, as do you. i think, i feel. i am miles away from wearing the revealing, provocative clothing i see almost everywhere. then why. why must almost every male, from even the earliest ages of 7'ish, treat women as if we are simply objects to be had. i can go nowhere in public where i do not have all kinds of snide remarks, derisive noises and whistles, prolonged stares, even lips pursed into kisses hurled at me. even when i cannot understand spanish, the tone of voice and the way i am looked at makes it very clear what is being conveyed. there is absolutely nothing i do that provokes such brutish behavior - i am reduced to a sexual object, something not worthy of respect but only to be used and ogled. i am disgusted to my core. the sad thing is that this behavior brings out the worst in me - all i want to do is fight back with ugly words and finger gestures. i have lost my temper on many occasions. and worst of all, it makes me want nothing to do with this culture of people. i want to love these people and seem to cry out to God every day to break my heart for his sons and daughters. i just could not seem to get past this though.
during my afternoon run two days ago, and after having to fight off the urge to hit someone, these words came to me, ‘sow the seeds of love'. so i began to think about this - what seeds indeed? i didn't really see much evidence of love and nothing was revealing itself until last night. wanting desperately to fall asleep, as ever my thoughts kept me tossing and turning instead. i began to think back to my time in mozambique, reflecting on the powerful changes that took place in me. then it hit me with full force—grace. grace, grace, grace. i suddenly felt this warmth and peace overcome me as i recalled how this little, but powerful, word transformed my world back in my tent in africa, and i instantly knew that this was what all this angst came down to. regardless of the genesis of this intense struggle i face, grace is the answer, as well as love. after all, God gives me nothing less. sow the seeds indeed.
as dawn was breaking this morning, i saw mark off to canada, a sad day to be sure. something in me crumbled when i heard the news he was leaving the race to assist his family with their recent medical crisis; selfish on my part no doubt. yet he has been so much to me these last nine months: trustworthy friend, brother, supporter, leader, comrade, teacher, faithful confidant and challenger, prayer warrior, a huge shoulder to cry on, patient and selfless. he was:
always up for an adventure
always the servant
always up for eating - notice below our joy for all you can eat lobster, so graciously provided by the magnificent melissa and billy. who knew? mark loves food perhaps even more than me
always seeking our Father God
always available
always fun
mark is following the cloud before him. his presence, filled with the light of Jesus, will permeate everything therefore his family, friends and community will simply not be the same because of it. yet this light has not only been left with his world race squad, but to all those we have met along the way as well. you have been a gift to me mark newland, go forth and be this same gift to leia, to all.
the swells of turquoise waves are enormous and never ending, the water temp 12.4 degrees celsius i am told. crawling into the full wet suit proves challenging; i am already shivering and clothed in large goose bumps. the waist belt of weights somehow comforts me which makes no sense as i am not looking forward to slipping into this frigid water crawling with sharks. yet this is why i have come, to cage dive with the great white shark, perhaps the most fearsome and misunderstood sea animal. i am eased into the cage and expect to initially have, at the very least, some moments of panic, but i do not. even the icy water leaking into my suit goes pretty much unnoticed because as soon as i am in the cage i hear 'shark to your left, dive down.' and that i do. and what a scene i see - this beautiful, massive beast gliding by my cage with the greatest of grace and ease, simply swimming, ignoring for the moment the large chunks of tuna that dangle in front of my face. i pop up breathless, completely exhilarated and in wonder - this creature whom i have most feared since childhood is simply glorious. shark after shark comes to visit me and i begin to recognize them. it surprises me that each of them has their own characteristic markings and personalities. some are ferocious, some gentle, some seemingly just curious, some hungry. two stood out to me the most: one who swam directly toward me from a distance to come face to face with me for mere seconds yet enough time to look directly into his eyes; i could have tilted my head forward just a little and been skin to skin with him but i seemed paralyzed in awe, not in fear, which seemed so strange to me. my second favorite was the last shark i saw, who also swam directly toward me at first but appeared to goad me by coming close then veering off. he came by a couple of times then at last swam closer to the cage where he then opened his colossal jaws, grabbed onto the edge of the cage, and thrashed back and forth with the cage still in his mouth. and then he was off. i jumped out of that water screaming with glee. never in my wildest dreams would i have ever thought i would be bobbing under africa's atlantic ocean with magnificent great whites mere inches from me. brilliant.
the boat ride home took us by a beautiful island with a single residence which then gave way to the dwelling of thousands of seals. i have always marveled at the playfulness of seals when i have observed them at zoos or water parks but this…just wondrous. they seemed to be the happiest of creatures and would swim and jump around our boat with such delight and curiosity. many hung out on the rocks basking in the sun, barking away at each other. this picture of community left me breathless. what an end to a remarkable day of taking in the glories of God's creation. His imagination astounds me, and leaves me smiling and my heart content.
the steep rock-faced mountains rise to the heavens while the mighty atlantic ocean reflects their beauty amidst its own. gordon's bay is a quaint beach town, a place of sheer beauty. i have seen and tasted the splendor and brilliance of God often in my two weeks here. there have been moments of tortured silence, of pure joy, of revelation, and mostly moments of laughter and love. i have needed this rest and restoration, needed a drink of cool water, needed the wisdom and compassion of tom and cindy sipling and elzette (the very picture of the body of Christ), needed the communion with nature and our amazing Father God, and especially needed the hushed spaces. living in the rush of ministry and community, i seem to have misplaced the priority to carve out times of peace and quiet that normally so lures me. yet God, out of His pure goodness and in His ultimate wisdom, brought me here for just that, even though it proved a tough choice on occasion. i am learning that if i simply let go and just ‘be' who God created me to be, instead of the almost constant striving i seem to prefer, then i will in every moment remain in His glorious presence; this is bliss. i serve a magnificent God whose love and depth of care for me still continues to catch me unaware at times. how silly.
revelation 21:7
‘to him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.'
matthew 11:28-30
‘come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'
at age three, my world turned viciously ugly, and i have been living in hiding ever since - shame, victimization, feelings of having to be perfect or ‘bad' things would happen, feelings of worthlessness, fears of never being truly known or loved, and fears of rejection and abandonment have all shaped and ruled my life. a few weeks ago it all changed. the precipitating factor was preparing to minister to the bar girls in bangkok. while being briefed on what to expect, i panicked. though i probably looked fairly normal on the outside, inside i was confused and screaming; at times i felt i was gasping for air. i was completely puzzled by my reactions yet felt certain that i needed to walk through it. with the help of Jesus and another missionary who regularly works with the girls, i persevered and spent the afternoon and evening in the nana district where the sex trade business is thriving. much of my time there remains muddled, and over the next few days i processed as much as i could with my teammate, mark, but still had no insight.
‘falling on my knees in worship
giving all i am to seek your face
Lord all i am is yours'
when we arrived in manila for our team debrief, mark suggested i speak with one of our counselors, karen. after relating to her my bangkok story and the continued mystery surrounding it, she began to ask me about my childhood. oh no, i thought, not this again. the tears began to flow, the emotional rawness rising. how could this be? i have been back to these painful places so many times before, working through all the crap. through karen's keen discernment, she recognized that my panic was possibly coming from childhood trauma, and offered to lead me through a healing prayer session later that evening. i was dismayed that ‘this was that', and i walked away with my grief overflowing and in desperate need of alone time with my father God. everywhere i looked, there was no privacy to be found. feeling like a caged animal about to go beserk, my sweet brother brandon rescued me by offering the sanctuary of his vacant bedroom. i tumbled down onto his mattress on the floor, thoroughly saturating his pillow with my tears. the sweet relief of release calmed me enough to pray, and in his great mercy, God revealed to me that my panic stemmed from unconsciously relating to the stolen innocence and childhoods that many of these girls faced. ahh, how good the peace of God's wisdom.
‘my whole life i place in your hands
God of mercy humbled i bow down
in your presence at your throne'
scheduling conflicts delayed our meeting till morning - early morning hours are laborious for me, it seems to take forever for me to wake up enough to be marginally coherent. imagine my surprise at being fully present at 730a, ready to tackle this ugliness yet again. through the hour and a half process, we identified the lies, ungodly beliefs, and unhealthy ties that resulted from that childhood experience. it seemed simply incredible that on some level i was still tenaciously holding onto these lies i'd believed all these years, even after all the previous healing work i had done. equally crazy, was recognizing the depths of which this one incident affected most of my life and set into motion so much dysfunction. we then renounced these lies and went through a forgiving process. lastly, she asked me to go back to that particular memory and see where Jesus had been -- i saw myself running around in the chaos, crying and screaming to be heard but no one was listening. over my shoulder i saw Jesus standing off to the side. i ran over and stood by him. while we watched the events together from the sideline, he took my hand. at some point i ended up sitting in his lap. to my astonishment, i then saw myself looking up into his face and we were laughing. that was it for me, i looked over at karen and said, enough. there have been too few times in my life that i have just been with the Lord laughing in complete joy; this is where i chose to end this memory once and for all.
‘i called, you answered
and you came to my rescue
and i want to be where you are'
i am reminded of robert deniro's character in ‘the mission', a brutal slave trader who commits a terrible crime of passion. he seeks solace with spanish jesuit priests in the south american jungle and while traveling the long and rough journey to their mission site in the mountains, he insists on carrying this large, very heavy bag across his back. he stubbornly refuses the assistance of others, feeling somehow that this is his just reward and penance. while climbing towards asylum, he loses his grip and the bag tumbles into the river below; there is both agony and ecstasy on his face - his burden has been unexpectedly removed, yet this newly found release shatters his self-image and sense of control; the freedom is almost too much to bear. much later, in what is my favorite scene, he sits by candlelight reading the bible, basking in the presence of God, peace and forgiveness clearly reflected upon his face.
‘in my life, be lifted high
in our world, be lifted high
in our love, be lifted high'
i am also reminded of Christ's words on the cross, ‘it is finished'. yes, yes, yes, it is finished. my heavy load has been dropped, and left, at the foot of the cross, and i am joyfully released. the beautiful cross has set me free indeed. ALL glory and honor be given to God.
i've hit the wall. while i truly believe this is the perfect team for me, recently i have not been liking this community living thing - drama, passive-aggressive behavior, insensitivity, selfishness, anger, thoughtlessness, little unity, complaining, loudness, envy, miscommunication, disrespect for others, poor listening, and lack of common courtesy. along with some of the above, add to the mix myother emotions and behavior: hurt feelings, extreme fatigue, stress, no alone time, little exercise, impatience, self-involvement, frustration, loss of trust, easily insulted. in addition: it is beyond hot here, sweat is our second skin; we are running around all the time; timeliness means nothing; working with different religious philosophies that confound you; speaking english yet crazy communication difficulties; stolen money. i wonder when the moment will come when we finally implode. we constantly retreat to our computers whenever there is a free moment. i miss my family and friends. i miss my job and my patients. i miss winter. i miss my cat. i long for a warm shower. all this has led me to pull away, to become indifferent. i want to run. at one point today the thought came to me that it was time to get on a plane and go home; brilliant, that would surely solve this. what was i thinking that i could live with strangers 24/7 for a year? why is it so ridiculously hard? how can one be so lonely among others? why is it so hard to love, to extend grace? what am i missing? all i want is peace. and some quiet. honesty would be refreshing. sleep would be a beautiful thing. togetherness wouldn't be too bad. unconditional love would be terrific. thinking of others over oneself, priceless.
i keep hearing the voice of laura in my head - 'be the change'.
i keep hearing the voice of Jesus - 'run to me first. depend only on me'.
i keep hearing the encouragement of brandon - 'grace my sister'.
i keep hearing the voice of gina - 'God is my real reward'.
i keep hearing the voices of my family - 'we love you'.
i keep thinking of the billions of things God is teaching me every day.
i keep thinking of my daily prayer for 'God to increase in me while i decrease'.
i keep thinking that God asked me to follow him on the world race and i said
'here am i, send me'.
i keep thinking of all those we have met and loved, and ministered to, and all those to come.
i keep thinking about the cross-shaped protein, laminin, and how it holds all things together in our bodies.
i think that i do not want to miss a minute of this.
i think i will choose to love my teammates every moment, and to choose grace.
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